Ponies and Pixie Sticks
by Beanpot
Summary: This is crack fic, no question about it. I wrote it as a joke for a friend of mine and is just pure crack with no redeeming value. I also do not own of them, just play in the sandbox occasionally. Spoilers for Season 4 of Atlantis.
1. Chapter 1

**Ponies and Pixie Sticks**

Daniel turned to Jack, who was dressed in BDUs and looking a bit apprehensive. Teal'c was at the bottom of the ramp, inspecting the containers while keeping an eye on Vala who was rummaging through an open one. Cam stood off to the side, taking a few wary glimpses at Jack. He had learned during his 200th mission that stepping through the gate with the General usually meant subterfuge and running.

"So did Col. Sheppard say why he wanted us all to come through the gate, Jack?" asked Daniel.

"Nope." Jack rocked back onto his heels, hands stuffed in his pockets. "But Carter wasn't there so I'm a bit worried. Figured he didn't want to tell me he lost her."

"Did he loose her, sir?" Cam spoke up as he adjusted his cap.

"If he did, then all of this packing has gone to waste. Do you have any idea how hard it is to shop for lingerie for another woman?" Vala spoke up as she locked the last container and sauntered up to the ramp. "Let's go then – see what our Sammie has gotten herself into this time."

Jack looked at Vala, a bit stunned, "She lets you call her Sammie?"

"Of course not, but she is in another galaxy."

Daniel rolled his eyes as the gate swooshed open and SG-1 stepped through…and into a City utterly destroyed. Plants were tilted on their side, holes were burnt into many of the walls, and every member of the expedition looked terrified – as if they had seen their worse nightmare come to life. Col. Sheppard was slumped on the stairs in front of them, wearing a three-day beard and looking as if he had had no sleep in that same time frame. Ronon stood next to him, looking pale and shaky, and that scared Jack more than anything.

"Sheppard, you mind telling me what happened and why Carter isn't here to say hello?'

John ran a hand through his hair and let out a deep breath. "Well, Sir, I'm just glad to see reinforcements."

"Shit, they're coming." 

John was interrupted by Ronon, who then jumped off the stairs and tried in vain to hide behind Teal'c. The rest of SG-1 reached for their side arms and stared in horror as Teyla was dragged down the hallway by two tiny creatures. They both had mops of curls on top of their heads and were wearing Atlantis uniform shirts that dragged on the floor behind them.

It took a moment for Jack to figure out that one of the creatures was a boy and the other a girl; and as he scanned the room, he watched as everyone took a step backwards to let the trio pass, their faces passive with fear. Jack took the stairs two at a time, then knelt in front of the little female creature, whose face was smudged with dirt and the hems of her sleeves slightly burnt.

"Sam?"

The face stared at him, and then broke into a tiny-toothed grin. "General! You come to play wif us! I told you he'd come play wif us, Wodney."

"Oh holy fuck," swore Jack.

Two sets of eyes stared at him in horror. Little Rodney, who bore a bizarre liking to those weird pale figurines Sarah use to collect, poked Jack in the leg before declaring, "You said a bad word! Teyla – send him to his room!"

Teyla, who was clearly the smartest person on Atlantis, rolled her eyes and placed the kids' hands onto Jack's legs and walked away. Jack tried to ignore them, which was almost impossible to do as they wrapped jam-covered hands around his legs and demanded his attention by yanking on his pants. He turned to Sheppard to find out just what the hell had happened.

"We have no idea, Sir. We were off world and went into an Ancient temple-thing. Carter and McKay started touching stuff. Then there was glowing and they," Sheppard gestured to the moppets who were attempting to climb Jack's legs like monkeys, "were there and it's been a nightmare ever since."

Daniel spoke up, his voice tight with either laughter or horror, but more than likely laughter. "How long ago and were there any writings I can take a look at?"

"Two days. And they used the paper the writings were on to draw me a picture," John replied.

"In two days, two toddlers managed to bring Atlantis to the point you called in reinforcements and a General?" Cam wasn't even pretending to find this the funniest thing he had ever seen in his life.

"Two super-genius toddlers with the Ancient gene and enough of their memory to not only know us, but how to rewire ZPMs, want to fly jumpers, and want to build bombs. Plus, they still need to beat each other at everything, and I, sir, cannot take this anymore. They were yours first, take them back now, I want my city back." John crossed his arms and tried not to pout. However, he'd spent an hour convincing Zelenka and Lorne that putting toddlers on a raft and out to sea was not a suitable punishment. Lorne, the crafty bastard, had pointed out that most toddlers don't fly a space ship into a wall because they're too short to see over the panel.

In the end, the only thing that saved the toddlers was themselves, for they crawled into their persecutors' laps and planted wet baby kisses on them while promising to be good. Zelenka just about had an aneurysm as little Rodney wrapped his cubby arms around his neck and told Radek he loved him and he only wanted to make the ship go faster as a present. Col. Carter, or Sammie as she insisted everyone call her, just stood in Lorne's lap and attempted to put pink plastic barrettes (and just where she had gotten them, John had no idea) into his hair while Lorne tried hard not to drop her and run away.

Jack pinched the bridge of his nose, pushing back the headache he could feel coming upon him before asking, "I take it you all are trying to figure out a way to fix this?"

"Uh, yeah. Dr. Keller has barricaded herself in her lab with Dr. Zelenka and a few others. They said they won't come out again until they've figured out a cure," John said, looking like he wanted to join them in their sanctuary. Jack didn't blame him.

Jack contemplated sending for Dr. Lee, who had kids and could maybe handle this situation with more grace than the rest of them, when he realized the twosome had stopped jabbering and were no longer attached to his legs. As all parents knew, silence was not always golden and when he saw them sucking on paper straws with Vala, he tried not to panic. "You gave them pixie sticks? Are you out of your damn mind giving straight sugar to kids? Why the hell did you bring them to Atlantis in the first place?"

"What? Sammie likes pixie sticks, don't you, you pretty little girl," Vala answered as she reached down and ruffled Sammie's hair. The little girl looked up at the mention of her name, her lips and tongue a shiny pink from the food coloring and nodded her head in fervent agreement.

"I love pixie sticks! Dey are yummy. Wodney likes them, too." Sammie stuck a sticky finger out at Rodney, whose shirt was streaked with blue pixie stick dust, and poked him in the chest. Rodney poked her back. Sammie retaliated with a harder poke, Rodney shoved her and they were off - running around the containers brought from Earth, dodging the legs of grown-ups frozen by indecision, and either poking each other with fingers or whapping the other with the paper remains of their sticks. 

The team from Earth suddenly had a clearer idea of just how things had devolved on Atlantis as the volume increased with each lap the kids took around the gateroom. Daniel was baffled that his calm and collected friend could even act like this; Cam kept having to yank his pants back up, because with each pass, four little hands would yank on them; Teal'c was looking more than little flustered; and Vala had decided that perhaps having a daughter bent on the destruction of the Universe was a good thing compared to this chaos (she also hid the rest of the pixie sticks at the bottom of the crate). John and Ronon just sat back and relaxed for the first time in days – this wasn't their problem anymore. Jack resorted to the age-old fall back plan of every harassed parent. 

"Hey kids, I'm sure there are toys for you somewhere in those cartons," he yelled. Rodney came to an abrupt halt and Sammie ran right into the back of him.

"What kind of toys?" Rodney asked.

"Surprise toys," Jack replied. Rodney folded his hands in a move eerily similar to his adult self and narrowed his eyes. This might be harder than Jack thought. In the mean time, Sammie had gotten up and was attempting to open the closest container to her.

"Is it a My Little Pony? I want a My Little Pony," she said. Rodney paused in his stare down with Jack to help her shove the top off a bit. Cam shook himself out of his daze to lift the top off for them.

"Ponies are stupid, Sammie," declared Rodney as he stood on his tippy-toes to peer in. "I want Legos."

"Ponies are not stupid, Wodney. Legos are stupid. You can't play pretty princess ponies wif dem." Sammie stomped her foot to make her point, her voice raising a bit as she glared at her arch-nemesis. Cam took a step back from the container.

"Are not stupid, you're stupid. You can build things with legos - like space ships."

"Am not stupid! You are!"

During their argument, John turned to Daniel to say, "Would you believe this is the exact same fight they had last week?"

Daniel huffed out a quiet laugh before replying, "Good thing we forgot to pack the "Mr. Wizard Home Science's Lab"."

John met Daniel's eyes, a look of resigned sadness in them, and told him, "They don't need the toy, Dr. Jackson, they have the labs here. And they used them."

"Oh god."

"That is enough!" The voice was deep and angry and loud enough that it stopped not only the conversation of the adults, but the toddlers as well. Teal'c stood over them, a towering figure of authority that made the bottom lip of Sammie quiver a tiny bit. Rodney caught the movement and in a moment of scientist solidarity, marched over to Teal'c and kicked him in the shin with his tiny, sock-clad foot.

"You made Sammie cry, you big meanie!" Teal'c ignored the frontal attack and simply scooped them both up and walked up the stairs.

"It is time for you both to nap. If someone could show me where they are sleeping, I will ensure they rest." Ronon followed Teal'c down the hallway. Jack let his shoulders drop and rolled his head around to relieve the tension. He turned to face the remaining people.

"Okay, we are not leaving here until this is fixed and this will be fixed by the end of the week."

End of the Week

A fully restored Col. Carter sat in a chair on the balcony, her feet propped up on a railing. Rodney was seated on the ground, back up against the railing, a bottle of vodka placed in the space between them. He took a sip of the glass in front of him and asked Carter, "Do you have any idea what they did to turn us back into our superior adult selves?"

Carter rocked back in her chair for a bit, head tilted to the left. "Not a damn clue. I think it involved some sort of ritual with a bean bag throw, but I just sort of hand waved it all. For once, I truly don't care about the how, just that I'm back to being me."

Rodney nodded in agreement before grinning up at her and saying, "Ya know, I used to think we should blend our genes and create super-babies, but after seeing the destruction we caused, that's probably a very bad idea."

Sam choked on her own drink before bursting out laughing. "Oh, god! A very bad idea! Do you think they'll ever talk to us again?"

"I doubt it; we made Vala cry and kept stealing Mitchell's pants. Thank god Dr. Jackson found it funny and took pictures. Think of all the leverage we have with the photos of Sheppard, Lorne, and Ronon submitting to playing beauty parlor with you."

Sam doubled over in laughter at the memory, which was hazy but still there. "I think they're more scared of you pulling out Lorne's paints to decorate the hallways and floors."

She rummaged through the top pocket of her BDUs before pulling out a pixie stick she had found buried in a container of books and DVDs. She ripped the top off with her teeth and poured half into her vodka, then leaned over to pour the rest into Rondey's glass. Raising her glass in a toast, she said, "To us – may that never happen again. Ever"


	2. Chapter 2

_I wrote this as birthday present for friends of mine a long time after I wrote the first part. I had no idea this would turn into some twisted series...Same disclaimers apply._

Twinkle, Twinkle Little Bat

It was two days into SG-1's stay in Atlantis and the scientists had made no progress on finding a solution to the mini-me problem. Sam and Rodney kept insisting they could help, but it was freaking everyone out that they could make Rodney cry versus the other way around. It was a truly evil person who enjoyed making little Rodney cry. First, his lower lip would tremble, then he would chew on it, and somehow a single crystalline tear would trace down his chubby red cheek. He would stare silently at the person who made him cry and that person would hope to hell that little Rodney did not make a noise, or else little Sam would come barreling around the corner like those weird pygmy skeletons from the second Mummy movie.

Sam would beat her tiny fists against the leg of the offender, screaming that they were a big meanie and she hated them and would hate them forever and ever and ever and ever. It would always be at that point that one of their full-grown teammates would storm in and remove the children while shooting death glares and silent promises of retribution.

Now, however, it was playtime and they were playing an odd amalgamation of tea party, dress up, dinosaurs, cowboys, and pretty princess. Sam was wandering around in a pink t-shirt of Vala's that fell to her knees while wearing a crown made from aluminum foil donated by the kitchen staff. Rodney was wearing a pair of teeny tiny jeans and boots sent by Dr. Lee and was either roaring at his guests like a T-rex or giving details on life in the Jurassic period, all done while carefully perched on the knee of a very patient Teal'c.

Their guests refused to look each other in the eye. Cam was wearing feather boa and told his name was not Cam, but Princess Starrypurple. He leaned over to Daniel (wearing a gold star as the sheriff of the dinosaurs) and whispered, "I swear to god if they don't figure this out soon, I am calling my granma."

Daniel whispered back, "I swear to god if they don't fix this soon, I'm going back to that ascension diner in the sky. It was quiet there. I could get a nap."

Ronon's amusement at the people from Earth was short lived after Sam attacked him with make-up given to her by the women of the base (women Jack was thinking of firing after he had been forced to have his nails painted). Ronon now had blue eyeliner that went from his eyelids and down his cheeks and bright pink lips. Vala had sat patiently while Sam had carefully redone the barrettes in her hair before declaring her queen of the velociraptors, a position Vala graciously accepted while ignoring the laughter of her friends.

Teyla was regally perched on a pile of cushions. Dr. Lee had also sent a pile of coloring books and crayons and she was carefully filling in the face of a Disney Princess. As she reached for a purple crayon, Rodney stopped his monologue on how baby dinos were born to say, "Tewa, Belle had a wellow dress, not purple. Princess Jasmine was purple."

Sam stopped spinning in circles to agree with her friend, "Belle had a pretty yellow dress and she danced with the Beast. You can make the teapot purple if you want too – but Belle's dress has to be yellow so the Beast knows who she is." Sam nodded her head to emphasis her point before racing across the room to jump on John's boots. She reached her arms up towards him and demanded, "Dance wif me, John! Spin me!"

With a sigh, John reached down and grasped her hands. Very carefully, he maneuvered around the room with a giggling Sam standing on his shoes. John found himself humming the song he used to dance to with his mom when he was a child. "Fly me to the moon and let me play among the stars. Let me see what spring is like on Jupiter and Mars."

Jack picked up the next verse as he walked around the table wearing his butler "apron" pouring tepid mint tea for everyone. "Fill my life with song and let me sing forevermore.

You are all I hope for, all I worship and adore."

His singing was interrupted by a shriek from Sam. His head shot up to see her launching herself at Rodney. Teal'c managed to tuck Rodney under his arm as Sam tried hard to hit him with her fists. They were both screaming at each other and their voices quickly reached a pitch unsafe for small animals. Jack placed the teapot on the table and picked Sam up. Being eye level with Rodney was probably not the best idea as Sam reached over to hit him with the item in her hand. Rodney retaliated by yanking on her ponytail.

"That is enough!" snapped Jack. "What the hell is going on here?"

Sam held up her pink pony given to her the other day, except now it had the head of a dinosaur attached to it. She pointed at Rodney and announced, "He ruined Princess Pony and I hate him."

She stuck her tongue out at him and he returned the gesture. Jack turned to Rodney and asked, "Did you do this, Rodney?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Sam's an icky girl and I just made her stupid toy better."

"You ruined my pony and you smell!" shrieked Sam, right by Jack's ear. He rubbed it gently and very slowly, lost his temper.

"That is enough, you two. It is time for a time out – Sam, go to that corner. Rodney – go stand in that one. You two will stay there until you are ready to apologize too each other," Jack announced, his fingers pointing to corners across the room from each other. Both of them looked at him with big, sad, round blue eyes, but he pointed again and said, "Go!"

They shuffled off to their corners while the rest of the room looked on in amazed silence. It was Ronon who broke it, "Can we use the time out when they get big?"

"Sure," said Jack, watching as Sam and Rodney eyed each other warily – neither refusing to give the other the edge even in their tiny forms.

"Cool," Ronon replied before sipping his tea and leaving a pink lipstick mark on the rim.


	3. Chapter 3

_I know, I know, I know...._

The call came in the middle of the night, rousing Lorne from the first deep sleep he'd had in weeks.

"They've escaped again," said Sheppard, his voice clipped over the com.

"Again?" asked Lorne as he rapidly laced up his boots. "I thought Ronon was guarding them tonight."

"Gave him the slip," came the reply.

"Unbelievable. Where have you looked so far?" asked Lorne, stepping out of his room and into a corridor filled with slightly panicked people.

"Usual places – lab, cafeteria, Carter's office, Teyla's room. Ronon and I are headed to the gym now."

"Copy that. I'm headed to the jumper bay – where they were last time," Lorne said as he picked up his pace.

"Will you need back-up? I can send Mitchell down," Sheppard said, his voice revealing his exhaustion from the past few weeks.

"Should be good," Lorne replied as he patted his pocket. The escapees loved Reese's peanut butter cups and the Atlantis crew had taken to keeping a few stashed in their pockets at all times. It was the only thing that could lure them out into the open. "But if you don't hear from me in 20, send them in."

"Copy. Good luck, Major."

"You too, sir." Lorne stepped into the transporter and slapped the button for the jumper bay level. His body was tense from lack of sleep and on edge about whatever he would find when he got to the bay.

When the doors slid open, he stepped quietly out and made his way to the bay with only a whisper of sound following him. A barely discernable glow was coming from one of the jumpers and Lorne began to make his way to it. His breathing grew more labored as he slid along the side of the jumper for he had dealt with the quarry and their attempts of hijacking a jumper before; he did not look forward to a repeat of those events.

Ever so slowly, he twisted his head around to look into the back of the jumper. Before him was a scene of chaos, and as he took it in and plotted how best to approach the enemy, something darted out and attached itself to his leg.

"Son of a bitch," he swore as he staggered back from the force of the attack. The thing attached to him stopped moving and everything went still. He looked down and took in blond curls, wide eyes and cowboy footed pajamas.

"You said a bad a word, Lorne," whispered little Rodney. Considering the adult sized Rodney could swear a blue streak in multiple languages, including binary, it always amused Lorne that the little version was so horrified every time someone swore. With a deep sigh, Lorne bent down to pick him up and stepped in the jumper.

"Sorry, kid. You took me by surprise. Well hello, little lady," Lorne said, addressing his comments to another head of blond curly that poked out from a hastily assembled pile of blankets and pillows. How they'd managed to drag them all the way here without being detected baffled him, but he'd learn to never doubt the combined brain powered of Rodney and Sam - no matter what their age.

"Hi, Lorne!" giggled a little Sam as she wiggled out of the pillow fort. She tugged at her stars and moons footed pjs before launching herself at him. He gingerly bent down to wrap his free arm around her for a hug as he also tried to set Rodney back on the ground. Lesson #16,574 of handling the twin terror toddlers was never to hold them at the same time or suffer a bruising when they got into a kicking battle. He slid the floor, leaning up against one of the benches, as both of them climbed on his lap and snuggled down.

It was down right terrifying how they were both snugglers. They'd even curl around each other like puppies when napping and Zelenka, the evil genius, had no qualms about snapping photos for future blackmail.

"You know everyone is looking for you two, again," he said, absently rubbing their backs.

"Are we trouble?" asked Sam in a loud whisper. She lifted her head up and looked at him with puppy eyes and asked him, "Will you protect us?"

"Depends on who gets here first," Lorne said. While they had managed to twist the entire crew of Atlantis around the fingers, so far only two had managed to resist the cuteness – Gen. O'Neill and Teyla. If they showed up, the little ones would be sent to bed and not allowed to have jello or play in the lab for a whole day. If it was anyone else, a few whimpers and tugs at pants legs would mean they were snuck extra cookies.

Lorne touched his com and said, "I found them. In the jumper bay, jumper twelve."

Gen. O'Neill's voice came across in audible frustration. "You keep those two brats with you until I get there." As his voice trailed off, Lorne heard O'Neill mutter, "Hammond never had deal to with this crap…"

Rodney and Sam had clearly overheard the conversation as they were both staring at them like he had stolen a puppy from them. They glanced at each other and Rodney said, "I think we're in trouble, Sammie."

Sam let out a deep sigh that broke Lorne's heart and said, "Again." She then glared at Rodney before saying, "It's your fault."

"Nu uh, it's your fault. You wanted to camp out in the jumper!" replied Rodney as Lorne tried to shove them further apart.

"Only 'cause you were scared of the dark!" yelled Sam, directly into Lorne's ear.

"Am not!" shouted back Rodney as he reached across and shoved Sam.

"You hit me!" was the reply and Lorne yelled, "Knock it off or I swear I will drop you both into the ocean."

They stopped yelling and stared at him with a look that was positively scary and reminiscent of their adult selves.

"No, you'd get in trouble with the general," replied Sam, calm and logical.

"And Teyla", added Rodney, just as calm and just as logical. "They wouldn't like it all if you hurt us."

Lorne rubbed his head and sighed in frustration. If the brains of Atlantis didn't get these two back to their normal selves soon, he'd throw himself into the ocean. "Fine, I won't." They nodded at and settled back onto his lap. He continued on saying, "Okay, who wants a story."

"Me!" came the simultaneously reply.

"This was one of my favorites growing up. Mike Mulligan had a steam shovel. A beautiful red steam shovel named Mary Ann…."

As he told the story, the two bodies on his legs grew heavier. As they fell asleep and Lorne wrapped his arms around them and held them close.


End file.
